Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Stock Tips from the Dark Side

Products I wish I’d bought stock in before starting vet school:

5 Hour Energy & Clif Builder’s Bars:  I hoard these in my backpack like a crazed squirrel.  According to my research, which, admittedly and in an ironic parallel to my life, lacked a control sample; a person can survive for at least three days with little else for sustenance.  Don’t worry, your gut will learn to handle hydrolyzed-iso-whey-soya protein after a while.  One note of caution, when the 5 Hour Energy label says “Do not consume more than 3 shots in 24 hours,” they mean that.  Overdose can cause that crazed squirrel comparison to apply to more than your packing tendencies.

Shout stain remover:  Removes donkey blood, diarrhea from pyometra cows, pyo from pyometra cows, clingy boyfriends, equine dental schmoo, and granuloma fallout.  I’m convinced that this stuff could cure herpes.  If I didn’t have a steady supply, my clothes would become disposable items.

Ibuprofen:  Well yeah, I used a lot of this before vet school.  There is some opportunity cost associated with working with horses and cattle.  Vet school has expanded my love for ibuprofen, as it now applies to stress cramps in my back brought on by 12-hour bulimic study marathons, stress headaches brought on by listening to small animal internists explain the intricacies of the endocrine system…again…and stress fractures brought on by the miles I need to run to make the pain in my head go away.

Omeprazole:  To prevent the NSAID-induced gastric ulcers caused by existing on a diet of Clif Bars, 5 Hour Energy, and ibuprofen in conjunction with having the endogenous cortisol levels of a geriatric Cushingoid lab rat in a shock therapy trial.

McDonald’s:  I really, really don’t care for their food, but it’s the fast food joint that is closest to my house.  Lack of time to cook and wash dishes lead me to the golden arches more times in a given week than I care to think about.  Compared to protein bars, it almost seems like real food.

Rawhide chews:  These have taken over for actually spending time with my dog.  They are like guilt balm.  If he’s busy alternating between trying to swallow one of these whole, and trying to hork it back up again, I don’t have to feel so bad about not playing fetch with him for two hours a night, right?

Well, there it is.  
**Disclaimer:  Taking stock tips from a crazed-squirrel-shock-therapy-rat who barely manages to maintain the life skills required to go out in public is probably not an ideal strategy.  I will, however, expect a commission on any gains you make.  I just got a new box of omeprazole and I'd like to be able to afford some super-size fries to go with it.